Oh, Ruby, I do understand how you you feel. I've had a lot of loss including a sister and a grandson. With respect to losing my sister, I see my life as a dichotomy: before the loss, and after the loss (which I think of as an afterlife). I've become a different person in my afterlife, focused only on purposeful living and self care (keeping myself balanced and healthy - spiritually, physically and emotionally). I know I've made my sister proud. It's taken a time and therapy to fully grow into this afterlife. You will get there. I might take some work though.